I have not had time to respond to life, in my blog recently, as life has been fast moving and any written comments or thoughts would have been fragmented and illogical. My parents visited from England and we shared many valuable moments, watching James(16) and Alice(13) excel at soccer and eating delicious meals thanks to the culinary excellence of kind friends who invited us to share Thanksgiving with them. Overall I felt conscious of my weaknesses. It is easy to cover up our deficiencies when we see people infrequently but having relatives to stay reminded me that I am pathetically sensitive and defensive. Many of you have had guests for Thanksgiving or will have family staying for Christmas. Do you also become like an overgrown child when confronted by those who love you and challenge you?

The home that I grew up in was a place of vibrant discussion and opinion, and we enjoyed the debate. Although we tried to disagree, our culture was the same and our thoughts were more united than we liked to admit! Now that I am living in California, I have gradually merged my British views and culture with an American mindset. I am the one who has changed the most and we agree on less than we used to.

I have moved continents and may have changed more than many other women of my age. However, anyone who has changed location, or become a wife and mother is in a different relationship with parents than when she was a child growing up. Rather than airing personal reflections on this challenge, it is more valuable to consider a few wise words from the Bible on this subject.

In Genesis 2: 24 we are taught that marriage between a man and a woman requires the couple to leave their parents and to join together as one: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and become one flesh.”

The words “leave” and “join” are significant. Leaving the protection and culture of the family nest can be hard, especially for the woman who values love and security. Adjusting to being married requires huge adjustments in roles and priorities, and refusing to emotionally or physically leave the parents can threaten the marriage. When we are married we are different from before. We must embrace the inevitable changes and join together with our husband to form a new family unit.

Does this changed relationship mean that we can disassociate from our parents? Not at all. The ten commandments teach us to honor our parents. Children are expected to obey their parents but this no longer applies to adult children. Marriage results in the woman being under the authority and protection of her husband rather than her parents, but the special honor that we should show our parents should continue to characterize our lives.

Sadly honor is a word that is rarely used today. It combines love, respect, looking up to, valuing highly….  In our culture there is little evidence of honor unless we count idolizing the rich and famous. Honoring parents should not depend on their status, political views, or health. It should not depend on whether we agree with them. It is a response of thankfulness and love. For some grown up “kids” honoring parents must be a difficult challenge if they grew up in dangerous and threatening homes. Only Jesus can create a forgiving and honoring response to parents who inflicted pain on their kids through neglect or abuse as they grew up.

My parents gave me love, security and fun. They invested hugely in my life. I am very thankful. The intense times of re-uniting from half way round the globe are no excuse. My role is to honor, to serve, to bless and to respect. I do not have to obey or to surrender to their opinions but I need to listen to them, to learn and to value them rather than to proudly defend my rights.  I do not have to prove my worth or win an argument. I should not sulk or withdraw.

In my family, we all follow the same God. Jesus is the one who can change the heart of the overgrown child to reflect His love and peace. If you are tempted to dishonor or to withdraw from relatives this Christmas, please learn from my mistakes and let Jesus transform your heart and tongue. I enjoyed spending time with my parents, but if I had responded to the words that I have written here, it would have been even better.

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