Coping with kids
I was under the impression that teenage rebellion was typical of the present but not of the past. It seemed that old, proper grandparents must have always been good and respectful and Victorians, at least the ruling classes, expected children to be “seen and not heard.”
It seems that teenage and younger children’s disrespect towards adults has become more of a nightmare since the sixties when freedom of expression became a dominant force. Compared to many teenagers my kids are good yet behind closed doors there is still a questioning of “why should we?” and teenage rights is definitely a popular subject in our house. At least when the defiance is at home it is possible for the parents to address the problem. I have heard of other kids who are sweet and kind at home and apparently compliant but they are quietly doing drugs and into all sorts of trouble when they go out. Their lives are deceitful, whereas we see the worst when we are with them: in the evening when they are tired, there is homework to do and dishes to put away… The effort of being good throughout the day must be exhausting but wouldn’t it be nice if our kids had a good attitude all the time?
As I mentioned in an earlier blog all of us are by nature prone to do what is wrong and consequently bad behavior should not be surprising. There has never been a time when kids have been perfect, yet in my opinion it is not a coincidence that drug use, teenage pregnancy and abortion, rape and violent crime have all gone up since the early sixties. Before the sixties, kids were taught the Bible in American schools and the majority of families went to church. There was a consistent message and God was the one who set the standard: the ten commandments, love your neighbor, marriage for life etc. Of course there was some hypocrisy and legalism, but the standard was clear and it was easier to know what was expected.
Now when parents teach godly, Biblical values we are standing against the norm. With multiple electronic options it is easier to let our kids do their own thing, watch and listen to what they want, chatting online to goodness knows who. The temptation is to allow them to disappear into their world where at least they are quiet: being absorbed by the TV / Facebook/ Internet / iPod /cell phone. The party kid who is always out or is planning her escape on the computer or cell phone, is the other extreme. Although our kids, who are still at home, can be loud and at times confrontational, they enjoy spending time with us and they generally dislike their bedrooms partly because they are so untidy.. The saxaphone is shared with us and homework is often visible. Their lives intermingle with ours and we do function as a family which allows us to comment on the good and the bad, so they understand our opinion. Martyn and I try to ensure that our opinion is aligned with the Word of God, so that when we comment we are expressing a Biblical perspective. Family life is messier than what I had planned and noisier but at least we are together.
It is important that we make an effort to be part of our kids’ lives. They also need to be part of our lives.
There is something wrong with a society that expects parents to watch all of their kids’ games but the kids are not required to go on a hike with their parents or be helpful.
Alice & James
Unless we are careful, the kids become like little gods and we pander to their needs because they are so exhausted by all their activities as well as lots of homework. We fear that one more expectation will cause an angry retort. Somehow in the midst of this overactivity and distraction parents should endeavor to establish godly standards. Ultimately our relationships with our children are more valuable than sports or electronic devices. Our influence is valuable and calling out to Jesus, we need to seek his help to get the right balance, to know when to draw the line and when to arrange for a power outage! There are times when we must confront, and at other times we should encourage. Pray for wisdom.
The Bible reminds us that one of the ten commandments (Exodus 20:12) is that children must honor their parents: “Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It seems that long life was a result of obeying this commandment. This commandment still applies and our kids will have much better lives if they honor and obey their parents. Let’s expect this of our kids and encourage children to treat both parents with respect and thankfulness. We should avoid undermining the other parent and make it a priority to encourage the right attitude in our kids. It is just as well that God is merciful and He will help us. Keep praying!
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Sain,
Reading your last entry and with all we spoke about today, yes, our children need to respect us and in turn, we need to respect them as well. To earn respect, respect must be given but, they are still our children and we are the adults. As I said today, sometimes it is so easy for us to point out all the things that our children are doing wrong or not doing at all in an effort to make them better but there has to be a balance of telling them all the things that they are doing right. Sam reminds me of this on occasion which forces me to “check myself” I as an adult would not want to be told only negative things on a regular basis, imagine how it would feel if your husband came home everyday and the only words he spoke to you were “why is the house so messy? Why is dinner not made? Why are you spending so much money? Why is the laundry not done?” I think that if we find our selves as mothers “nagging” or complaining to our kids all the time, it’s no wonder that they lock themselves in their rooms and turn to all the electronics you spoke of. I would want to tune out as well. We all as human beings want to be appreciated. Lets all try an experiment today…… As soon as you see your children when they get out of school the first thing you should say is something that you are so proud of them for, then just wait and look at the expression on their face. Sometimes it just takes a simple “smile” or light up when you see them. I think that with our busy lives, so often we are so obsorbed in our issues and problems that we forget that our children have issues and problems too and we need to be that person that they look forward to seeing when they walk in the door. Even though they are teenagers now, think back to the innocent babies we held and nurtured so long ago. They still need that nurturing from us but also need to understand that there are things that we need from them. I think that this will bring about a mutual respect and will help bring the balance that we are all looking for in our teens.
On the other issue we spoke of today, which is my friend Edie. I thing that you will find her struggle with Lukeimia at the age of 36, is a very brave and inspiring one. Please look at her blog at http://www.edie-thruthevalley.blogspot.com. Her passages from the Bible and her attitude through out all that she has been through have inspired me and given me such hope and peace. To think that she is going through such a difficult time fighting the battle for her life as well as raising two teenage daughters, makes all my struggles pale in comparison and gives me such an appreciation for the gifts in my life.
Talk to you soon
Tina
Thanks Tina. I appreciate your comments. I will definitely enter the challenge and look out for ways to tell my kids some good things about who they are and what they are doing right. I hope that many other parents will also join with us in this challenge. We have so much to be thankful for.
Sian