Having said goodbye to my son Tom a couple of days ago at the University of Chicago, it is easy for me to sentimentalize the joys of motherhood and to remember the good times of wanting to hold on to him rather than remembering the times of frustration. Every mother has times when she feels like giving up, when her anguish seems unheard and when her child’s attitude of rudeness and rebellion can be almost intolerable.

It is helpful to remember that despite popular assumption, everyone of us was born with the inclination to do what is wrong and that includes our children. The Bible makes this clear (Romans 3:23). Rather than being surprised we need to work out how to proceed when the inevitable happens.

One of the big challenges of being a parent is working with our husbands to come up with a system of rules and punishment that are consistent, clear and fair. I struggle with this and find that my kids sometimes exploit their parents’ failure to communicate. Once they have succeeded in dividing us they have won the battle. The confusion and division are not a good foundation for harmonious family life. Unity and love between parents and a desire to express their love to their kids through disciplining them is an essential platform and, in my opinion, this is only possible if we seek Jesus’ mercy and strength and the guidance provided in the Bible.

In the first book of the Bible, Genesis, chapter 1:24, it is established that “a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.”

My wedding

In God’s eyes married couples are one unit, they are male and female (not two of one sex) and we need to function in unity although we have different roles. Divorce creates so much devastation as it is the total opposite of the “one flesh”. Jesus makes this point in Matthew 19 :6. He refers to the verse in Genesis and he says: “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” I know that for many divorce is a harsh reality that you would never have chosen. God will reach out to you in mercy and help you. For those of us who are married, hold onto the bond of marriage that God instituted. Do whatever you can to make it work and avoid temptation that could lead, down the road, to an adulterous relationship.

For those of us who are wives let us seek unity with our husbands through forgiveness, offering Christ like love and being submissive and responsive. We must not wait until our husbands are good enough or worthy of our love. We must love like Christ. In John 15:12, Jesus says: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” As Jesus sacrificed his life for sinful mankind that deserved nothing but punishment, we must similarly offer love to those who do not deserve it. This is how we should love everyone. For our kids to be raised in a stable home, we must seek to love their father, as well as loving them, in this self sacrificial way. I can only imagine the challenges of Siamese twins who are physically joined to one another. When we are married we are joined together in every respect. The physical is less important than the spiritual, but still important. Can you imagine Siamese twins arguing with one another. It would be terrible and we would encourage them to get on amicably to avoid a life of misery.

Similarly we need to encourage husbands and wives to love one another with the love of Jesus. This is by no means weak and sentimental: remember Jesus died for us. Loving in unity within marriage is the best way to handle the inevitable rudeness and rebellion that our kids will exhibit. Let’s encourage one another to work hard at making marriages work. If you are single, you can play an important role in persuading your married friends to persevere and to seek the love that transforms and to offer this unconditionally, offering it even when it is not reciprocated. Jesus will give you the love you need to give to others if you seek him. He is the one who will fill you up when you are empty. Don’t expect your children, your husband or other loved ones to take the place of Jesus. Rather love Jesus first so that you can love others with his love.

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